Catfish in the fish tank

Back in the old days they tried to ship codfish from the west coast to the east cost and it always arrived mushy. So, they tried sending live codfish and they arrived dead. So they sent the mortal enemy of codfish: catfish, in the same tank. The codfish arrived alive because they spent the entire trip trying to swim away from the catfish. So often we wonder why God put a catfish in our tank: someone we don't like at work, our neighborhood, our family, or our health. He does this to keep you on your toes. To keep you challenged. To keep you alert. So you don't become complacent in paradise and die of boredom.

Friend with Cancer

My wife arrived to work a few minutes late and met E in the parking lot. E is a 61 year old secretary at my wife's work and they have been friends for seven years. A few years ago, E learned that a lump in her side (that she had been ignoring) was cancer. In fact she had breast cancer and because she never went for check-ups, the cancer spread throughout her body. When she found it, she had Stage 4 cancer. Through all the years and all the tests, she would never let them scan her brain. For whatever reason, she never wanted to know if the cancer was in her brain.

For the last several months, E has been grumpy and no one knew why. She finally announced she would be retiring in December. It was around then my wife noticed some odd things about E - as if she had a stroke. She lost use of several fingers on one hand, and when she walked she kind of dragged one foot. But then she would have these muscle spasms where one arm would just curl up and be useless. These weren't muscle spasms, they were seizures. Last week she had a really bad episode, so, my wife drover her home.

Today, in the parking lot, E told my wife that she had brain cancer. E had come to work to tell HR she would not be coming back. And possible for the last time, Linda said good bye to her friend, and gave her a hug.

The rest of the day was a waste for my wife because she was in shock. So, I took her to lunch so she could talk about it. It is sad. But I was impressed that someone could live for so many years after getting Stage 4 cancer. It just seemed like she could go on forever - and she probably could have, or will - just keep going for various treatments to keep the cancer in check and prevent it from growing. But once it is in the brain, what can be done?

I talked to my mother about this and she said this is exactly what was wrong with her mother (my grandmother), who died in her 50's back in the 1960's. She had a brain tumor behind her ear. She got so bad she needed help to walk up the stairs. They tried to remove the cancer from behind her ear, but she had an aneurysm and died on the operating table.

First Goiter - Nuclear Test Results 2

I received a call on Tuesday from the doctor to tell me my thyroid was fine. Thank God! But my goal from the start was: if I get an OK, a week later to have completely forgotten about this nightmare and move on.

I am not sure I will completely forget about it - hopefully some positive things will carry forward with me.

First Goiter - Nuclear Test - Test Results 1

It is Monday. Either my nuclear test results are find and this will soon be a distant memory. Or, I suspect, I will be sent for a needle biopsy to confirm whether or not it is cancer. I think I am ready for either answer, although I would prefer to put this behind me.

I called the doctor and they don't have the test results yet. I need to call back on Wednesday.

First Goiter - Nuclear Test Scan

On Friday I went into the lab. The technician aimed a white tube at my throat and took four pictures.

Then I laid on a bed and a device was lowered within inches of my face. Pictures were taken. Then something radioactive was pushed into my right warm. She moved my arm like a wing to get the radioactive item into my body and took more pictures. These pictures took 5 minutes each. After a while I got off the bed, she changed the lens (a large device the size of a suitcase). I laid back down and she took more pictures.

While the pictures were taken I laid very still. I found it easier to close my eyes and I probably could have fallen asleep. When done, I sat up on the bed. She called the doctor and I heard her say "Multi nodule goiter on the left side". I also noticed my pictures were on the computer screen. They were pixilated red and yellow pictures of my thyroid. I didn't notice anything particularly dark or bright, but I did notice on third of the left side was brighter than the opposite side. Not much brighter, but some.

I returned home and did internet searches attempting to find similar pictures but didn't really find anything similar.

I spent the weekend convincing myself there was nothing wrong. The odds were in my favor. I had read that over 95% of the time goiters are of no problem. And I know that if it is a problem, the survivability is over 98%. So the chance I need to be very concerned is less than 2% of less than 5% - a very small chance. That brought be comfort.

As always in these times we turn to God. On Saturday we took the family to see the movie God Is Not Dead, and on Sunday we spoke out parts of the service loudly to make sure God heard our voices.

First Goiter - Nuclear Test Pill

Yesterday I went to the lab for a nuclear test. I didn't have to wait very long before the Nuclear Technician came and got me. She took me to a room with a large device in it. She asked me a bunch of questions and wrote my answers on a piece of paper. Then she left the room to fax the piece of paper to some doctor I had never heard of before.

She returned and explained that a glass cylinder contained my pill. She aimed a white tube at it. After a while she opened the glass cylindar and removed a metal cut with a screw top. The metal cut had a sticker on it with my name, and the sticker matched the check-in bracelet I had been given when I arrived.

She unscrewed the metal lid and pulled out a plastic put containing a pill (capsule) the size of a Tylenol. She gave me water and I took the pill.

She explained that on Friday when I returned she would point that white cylinder at me neck to see how much radiation my thyroid absorbed. Too much or too little would tell if the thyroid was hyperactive or low. As she explained this, I thought - how will that tell if I have cancer? It won't!

She then continued. Next, I would lie on a bed that sat connected to a great machine in the room. She would inject me with more radiation. Then, the machine would take a picture of my thyroid. Ah.... so that is how they will tell. They will tell from that picture.

So, I left the hospital radioactive. The only warning I was given was: don't eat fish, don't add salt to your food, and stay away from babies because I am radioactive. Just to be safe, I stayed away from everyone, and my wife decided to sleep on the couch (even though I offered to sleep on the couch). I have peace of mind because I have convinced myself that this is a thyroid test, not a cancer test. If they need to do a needle biopsy at this point, I will probably need a mental adjustment to remind myself that a need biopsy still falls into all my thinking, planning, and mental preparation.

First Goiter - Ultrasound results

Late Tuesday afternoon (the day of the ultrasound) there was a message left to call my primary doctor's office. I heard the message Tuesday night and it wiped me out. For them to call me on the same day must mean terrible news.

After I heard the message my mind went a little scatterbrained. It wasn't a panic - it was confusion. So many things were flooding my mind that I couldn't organize my thoughts. So, I went to my bedroom so I could get my mind back into order.

There, I reviewed and rationalized what I just heard. I determined that what I heard was exactly what I was expecting. Nothing changed. My mental thinking of how this would unfold (needle biopsy followed by removal of the Thyroid) hadn't changed. In fact, I had prepared myself for this to the depths of the internet research and even looked in the mirror for the folds/crease on my neck that could serve as the scar. I have mentally prepared myself for the near worse case scenario. Even so, just that phone call set my mind into a whirl.

The doctor's office opened at 8:45 am on Wednesday morning. My wife sat with me while I called the doctor's office. I had a pen and paper ready to write down anything important. I talked to the nurse. She said she was calling just to make sure I got the blood work done. What? That's it? She continued: she had the ultrasound and that was normal but wanted to see if I did the blood work. Wait a minute... did she just say the ultrasound was normal? I asked. She said the doctor hadn't looked at it yet, but it was normal but there were several cysts on it. So... they were cysts and not tumors! She said she would talk to the doctor to see what he wanted to do and she would call me back.

That was an incredible relief! I immediately felt like I was in the clear! My wife warned me that she wanted more tests just to be sure and I thought two things: 1) Sure, I don't care, test away!  2) I don't know... if you look long enough and hard enough you are bound to find something - why not just leave it alone? Either way, it would be in the doctor's hands to decide.

I received a call several hours later. It was my primary doctor's nurse. The doctor want to be sure and was ordering a radioactive scan. This is when I would take a radioactive pill and they would perform a scan to see how much of the thyroid absorbed it. Too much or too little would be an overacting or underacting thyroid (something I always wondered about so I was glad to have this test). Also, depending on how muc of the cysts absorbed, it could tell us whether or not the cysts were cancer.

The nurse called back. She got me an appointment for the next day (today) which concerned me a little that they might have thought this test needed to be done ASAP. But I was glad because I have a timeline for a summer vacation, so, all this work needs to be wrapped up!

The arrangements were that I would go to the lab at 10am to take a radioactive pill on Thursday. I couldn't eat or drink for 4 hours before taking the pill. Then, at 10am Friday I would return for the scan.

I went to bed least last night (OK... 9:30) and set the alarm for 5:45am so I would wake up, eat 2 granola bars and some juice, and then  go back to sleep. Then I arrived at the lab at 9:30am.

It is amazing how much something like this can impact your life. I have been spending spare time reading about this cancer and others. I have also thought about the positive impact that I can have on others just by simply saying something nice to them - something I don't always think to do. We went to Lent service this week at church and I sat holding my wife's hand - something we never get to do with a row filled with our children.

First Goiter UltraSound

I went for the Ultrasound. I was a little nervous only because I did not know what to expect. A really short young lady guided me to a room with a bed. She had me lay down and stretch my kneck. The room was dimly lit so I just stared at the dots on the ceiling. She used the device first on my riht rise and took a very long time. I am glad she did the right side first because I am pretty sure the doctor said the problem was on the left (although I don't really remember now). She seemed to take a long time with both sides but I would have been concerned with the length of time if she had started with the side that I thought had the problem.

It was very relaxing - laying down, dim room, staring at the ceiling - I could have easily fell asleep. I kept want to swallow but I didn't and that was fine. It was a good experience overall. At the end she told me the radiologist would review the pictures and should have the results in a day or so.

Next, I went to the blood labs for some blood work the doctor wanted done. Nothing special with this - just normal blood dray. They stick you with a needle and then put a 6" strip of tape across my harry arm to hold a piece of cotton over the needle hole.

So, that was it. Easy. Not a big deal. And now I get a couple days of worrying while I wait for the results. Or, perhaps I won't worry. Perhaps this can be a little "vacation before the storm" should I get bad news.

Here's the deal - everyone has a one in four chance of dieing from cancer, according to the New York Times 2010. Many get cancer and don't die, so, your chance to get cancer is significant. The point is, if my fate is to get cancer, it would be good if my encounter had over a 97% survival rate. I don't want cancer but if I get it, I hope I get a curable cancer. I hope this is nothing and by next week at this time I gave forgotten all about it. We have many things that need our attention. Cancer would be a huge distraction. I really hope this doesn't impact our summer plans!

First Goiter Ultrasound Tomorrow

I need to get an ultrasound on my throat. After last week's physical, the doctor found an enlargement under my adam's apply (my thyroid). It could be cancer so it needs tobe checked.

They say most things you worry about never come true. So, that would encourage me to worry so it won't come true. I am really trying not to worry about it and I don't want my wife to worry about it. But I have done some internet research and researched the scar associated with getting a thyroid removed.

My attitude right now: whatever it is? It is. There is nothing I can do about it. So lets find out and fix it if it is wrong. Of course, I hope nothing is wrong. But if it is? Then lets get it fixed so I can move on.

What if this is cancer? Well, that is unlikely. If it is cancer, I have a 97%+ chance of survival. I would have a scar on my neck and have to take some pills - small price to pay I suppose.

Now suppose I am part of that 3% that don't survive? It is probably natural to question your mortality. At this stage in my thinking, I think several things: 1) We are all walking time bombs and any of us could die unexpectedly  for any reason. 2) My Dad dies at 45, and I always considered that a life milestone.  I am now 44. 3) Life is not a game but it is similar in that we get to play out our lives and at some point our turn ends. 4) I am concerned I have not left enough money for my family to survive - not enough life insurance and certainly not enough in retirement. 5) I can only hope I have left my family with enough good memories.

What would I want to do in my final days? Of course, vacation with the family. But really? I think I would rather make sure I am leaving my family as financially secure as I can. That vacation would buy groceries for months, a semester of college, or pay the mortgage for a long time. I think my responsibilities are more important.